Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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