I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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