ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
