My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
