she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
