peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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