i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
