I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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