Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
