Just fell off a train. Bad.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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