i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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