I'd wear matching sweaters with you
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You're like the curious george of whores
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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