Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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