this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
