At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
