I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
