Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
