I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
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After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
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There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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