I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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