She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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