it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
