I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
