Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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