I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
