I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
