Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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