Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
