Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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