I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
