i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
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