3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
farters have to be the big spoon...
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
