I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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