Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I faked an abortion last night.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
