she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
