Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
