If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
