lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
