I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
