i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
