I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
