Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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