we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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