I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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