Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
