fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
