yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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