I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
