If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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