why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
