I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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