I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
