so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
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Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
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1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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