This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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