I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
