You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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