On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
