Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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