How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
