Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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