You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
