The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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